What is the value of friendship? Why can it be so hard to make friends? Cicero’s “How to be a Friend” & two Atlantic articles

Apr 15

Written By Mary Finn

Questions from Premise students

Our students come to class prepared with questions they’d like to bring to the group for discussion.

Here’s a selection of questions and points of interest from the class.

I’m interested in Cicero’s idea that friendship is like seeing another "self” or friendship is like “looking at an image of himself”. Do we naturally seek that which is always similar in friendship? Or can difference be a catalyst as well?
Let’s talk about the quote, “perhaps women expect more of their female friends than men do of their male companions…” from Its Your Friends Who Break Your Heart.” I am also interested in how the value of friendships can vary while dating with the intention for marriage and kids versus the solo and childfree lifestyle.
One of the articles mentioned the idea of operationalizing rituals of friendships (ie, “friendship anniversaries”) similar to how we tend to do for romantic relationships. I am interested in exploring how truly, at their core, friendships differ from romantic relationships.
To what extent is friendship in midlife actually like dating in our 20s (as per Bumble BFF)? is this a healthy/productive comparison?
I’m interested in why society doesn’t value platonic friendships as much as those where blood or sex are involved (at least not structurally - EG visitation rights). Cicero seems to, and the heartbreak of friendships dissolving can be just as painful as a romantic relationship ending.
I notice that Cicero's account of friendship doesn't account for the relationship between people who need each other but also love each other. He calls friendships between people who need each other to be between 'beasts' in my translation. This seems to be a very privileged point of view from someone who is very well-resourced.
From: it’s friends who break your heart “t is an insolent cliché, almost to note that our culture lacks the proper script for ending friendships. We have no rituals to observe, no paperwork to do, no boilerplate dialogue to crib from.” We prioritize romantic relationships mostly rituals are expected in these types of relationships, but friendships are cast to the side - it’s sad bc I’ve loved my friends
I am interested in Cicero’s idea that friends are honest with each other… and exploring what this means in our relationships with those we feel uncomfortable being honest with
Oh, I forgot the most activating line of the Cicero article for me: "There are some who owe more to their bitter enemies than to their friends that seem sweet; for those often tell the truth, these never." Really found this one interesting

The following questions from the book intrigued me, and I’d love to try to analyze and discuss them:
1. "The special virtue of friendship is a perfect harmony of purpose, taste, and sentiment."
2. "It seems evident that there should be a certain measure of fellowship among all, but more intimate the nearer we approach one another."
3. "For he indeed who looks into the face of a friend beholds, as it were, a copy of himself.”

Iris Murdoch: what the writer and philosopher can teach us about friendship, The Conversation (November 9, 2021)

Keep the
Conversation Going

The Secret to Making New Friends as an Adult | Marisa G. Franco | TED (January 2023)

From the author of the Atlantic article we read for class: Jennifer Senior On: Grief, Happiness, Friendship Breakups, and Why We Feel Younger Than Our Act

The Great Friendship Reset , Aspen Institute (2022)

An essay on the importance of interracial friendships, PBS, My Humble Opinion (2021)